Brighten Your Day

1. How do you throw a space party? You planet.

2. How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

3. Nope. Unintended.

4. The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

5. A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

6. A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."

7. Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

8. What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

9. The broom swept the nation away.

10. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

11. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.

12. What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

13. I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

14. Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

15. Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

16. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.

17. Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

18. What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

19. Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

20. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

21. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

22. What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

23. A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

24. After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

25. I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.

26. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

27. I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.

28. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.

29. What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.

30. What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

31. How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.

32. The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.

33. What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.

34. What happens when you eat too many spaghetti-o's? You have a vowel movement.

35. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.

36. Sausage puns are the wurst.

37. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

38. How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.

39. Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.

40. What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.

41. What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.

42. Want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s too cheesy.

43. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

44. What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.

45. Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.

46. Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.

47. Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.

48. What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.

49. What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.

50. What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.

51. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.

52. What kind of car does a sheep drive? A Lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.

53. What do you call a Spanish pig? Porque.

54. What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.

55. Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.

56. A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.

57. How do trees access the internet? They log on.

58. Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.